I really Don't know how things started. I don't know what moment it was that led me down this path. Hell I am not even sure I want to know.
I was headed down a really bad path. I hadn't plunged head first into it yet, but I was ready to. I was ready to embrace a lifetime of drugs and sex until I died young of an overdose. I could have cared less. Or so I thought.
It is amazing how one moment can completely change your perspective and your life. Mine came on an overly warm June day. When that SUV started to roll my whole life changed; nothing would seem normal for a short eternity. I can't say that I remember every detail. At the time I was sure that I would never be able to forget, but so many aspects of that day (and era) have faded. I am grateful for this. So this is a chronicle, the best I can recall.
I was headed back to my mothers house in her Chevy Blazer. All I truly remember is driving, and then I was rolling. I only had time to think a few thoughts, but It felt like a millenia. I remember thinking to myself "Oh Shit! I am in trouble now" The next thought to go through my head was "I am going to die." At that moment It felt as if my arm was being dragged across the pavement. I got the feeling of absolute calm, I felt as if I had been wrapped in a warm blanket, and like I had smoked a gigantic bongful of some sweet sweet sativa, and I thought "At least I am going to die with this feeling". And then there was nothing.
I came to like a shot out of a cannon. I came out of this black nothingness having no idea where I was or what had happened, but the reality hit home like a hurricane. A woman had her hand on my shoulder shaking me lightly asking if I was okay. My first instinct was to look around. I wanted to know what had happened. How had I gotten here? What was wrong with me?
I was horrified. My right leg was in the passenger seat and my left leg was out the window pinned against a tree. A man came from the side of the road, screaming that he was a police officer and that I shouldn't move. I didn't, but I scanned my surroundings with my eyes. I made a point to see if I could wiggle my toes. "Thank God I am not paralyzed", I couldn't help but think. In the mean time my fingers began to go numb.
At this point the paramedics had arrived, along with the fire department. While the paramedics were struggling to get my vital signs someone was putting a wedge shaped piece of wood between the Blazer and the tree to relieve the pressure on my leg. At this point I still did not feel any pain. The horn was going off, and the hood of the car was stuck. They were trying to disable the horn and in the process of trying to get the hood open the wedge of wood gave way and the weight of the Blazer came crashing down on my leg. The pain was white hot and blinding. I screamed out in agony. My heart stopped. The next thing I recall is the paramedics scrambling to find out when the helicopter was going to arrive and saying that I wouldn't make it to Iowa City so they were going to have to take me closer.
By now they had been working for over an hour to get me out. Thinks now are just a blur. The ripping sounds of the jaws of life and so many voices. Finally after two and a half hours, two fire crews working with two jaws of life, they finally extracted me from the mangled SUV. They wanted to put a blanket over my head to spare me the sight of the vehicle they had just removed me from. I couldn't bear the thought. I didn't know if I would ever see the sky again. I did not want my last memory to be of an obstructed view through a white poly blend afghan. I still have that Afghan. I don't know who it came from, but I could never get rid of it.
I could no longer feel my left arm. It was an eerie feeling knowing that this ghost of a limb was still attached to me. I honestly thought it had just gone numb from the position I had been holding it in for so long. That was not the case. They strapped some planks from a near by farm house to the gurney so they could keep it as stable as possible and hauled me up the hill to the awaiting helicopter and loaded me in. It was a challenge for my rescuers. It took more than a few painful moments for them to maneuver me in a way that would allow the door to close. Then we took to the sky. I don't really know what happened next, because my heart stopped yet again and I did not regain consciousness until we had arrived at the hospital.
The emergency room was an absolute blur of geometric shapes. I saw the world in shades of white and grey. I held entire conversations and don't remember word one of most of them.
After several hours they had me stabilized. I saw my family for the first time. The only thing I could say was "mom, I am sorry I wrecked your car." This was a genuine concern for me at the time. I guess I was too out of it to realize the only thing she cared about was that I was okay.
The doctors took me to a room. The final tally of injuries was vast. If I made it through the next 48 hours, I wouldn't be out of the woods, but chances are I would survive. My neck was broken in two places. Both of my collar bones had been snapped so they couldn't put me in a halo. The ball of my left shoulder had been snapped off and jammed into my armpit. That shredded the brachial Plexus, the nerve cluster that runs a persons arm. My left forearm had been shattered. I broke 4 ribs, my left femur, tibia, and fibula. My pelvis was cracked. I tore my Posterior Cruciate Ligament, Anterior Cruciate Ligament, and Lateral Collateral Ligament. All that meant that my left knee was shredded. The muscles in the lower left hand side of my back had been ripped away from my spine and were no longer connected. My bowels and Bladder were bruised. I had various cuts and bruises.
What did this mean for me? It meant I was in this for the long haul...
I was headed down a really bad path. I hadn't plunged head first into it yet, but I was ready to. I was ready to embrace a lifetime of drugs and sex until I died young of an overdose. I could have cared less. Or so I thought.
It is amazing how one moment can completely change your perspective and your life. Mine came on an overly warm June day. When that SUV started to roll my whole life changed; nothing would seem normal for a short eternity. I can't say that I remember every detail. At the time I was sure that I would never be able to forget, but so many aspects of that day (and era) have faded. I am grateful for this. So this is a chronicle, the best I can recall.
I was headed back to my mothers house in her Chevy Blazer. All I truly remember is driving, and then I was rolling. I only had time to think a few thoughts, but It felt like a millenia. I remember thinking to myself "Oh Shit! I am in trouble now" The next thought to go through my head was "I am going to die." At that moment It felt as if my arm was being dragged across the pavement. I got the feeling of absolute calm, I felt as if I had been wrapped in a warm blanket, and like I had smoked a gigantic bongful of some sweet sweet sativa, and I thought "At least I am going to die with this feeling". And then there was nothing.
I came to like a shot out of a cannon. I came out of this black nothingness having no idea where I was or what had happened, but the reality hit home like a hurricane. A woman had her hand on my shoulder shaking me lightly asking if I was okay. My first instinct was to look around. I wanted to know what had happened. How had I gotten here? What was wrong with me?
I was horrified. My right leg was in the passenger seat and my left leg was out the window pinned against a tree. A man came from the side of the road, screaming that he was a police officer and that I shouldn't move. I didn't, but I scanned my surroundings with my eyes. I made a point to see if I could wiggle my toes. "Thank God I am not paralyzed", I couldn't help but think. In the mean time my fingers began to go numb.
At this point the paramedics had arrived, along with the fire department. While the paramedics were struggling to get my vital signs someone was putting a wedge shaped piece of wood between the Blazer and the tree to relieve the pressure on my leg. At this point I still did not feel any pain. The horn was going off, and the hood of the car was stuck. They were trying to disable the horn and in the process of trying to get the hood open the wedge of wood gave way and the weight of the Blazer came crashing down on my leg. The pain was white hot and blinding. I screamed out in agony. My heart stopped. The next thing I recall is the paramedics scrambling to find out when the helicopter was going to arrive and saying that I wouldn't make it to Iowa City so they were going to have to take me closer.
By now they had been working for over an hour to get me out. Thinks now are just a blur. The ripping sounds of the jaws of life and so many voices. Finally after two and a half hours, two fire crews working with two jaws of life, they finally extracted me from the mangled SUV. They wanted to put a blanket over my head to spare me the sight of the vehicle they had just removed me from. I couldn't bear the thought. I didn't know if I would ever see the sky again. I did not want my last memory to be of an obstructed view through a white poly blend afghan. I still have that Afghan. I don't know who it came from, but I could never get rid of it.
I could no longer feel my left arm. It was an eerie feeling knowing that this ghost of a limb was still attached to me. I honestly thought it had just gone numb from the position I had been holding it in for so long. That was not the case. They strapped some planks from a near by farm house to the gurney so they could keep it as stable as possible and hauled me up the hill to the awaiting helicopter and loaded me in. It was a challenge for my rescuers. It took more than a few painful moments for them to maneuver me in a way that would allow the door to close. Then we took to the sky. I don't really know what happened next, because my heart stopped yet again and I did not regain consciousness until we had arrived at the hospital.
The emergency room was an absolute blur of geometric shapes. I saw the world in shades of white and grey. I held entire conversations and don't remember word one of most of them.
After several hours they had me stabilized. I saw my family for the first time. The only thing I could say was "mom, I am sorry I wrecked your car." This was a genuine concern for me at the time. I guess I was too out of it to realize the only thing she cared about was that I was okay.
The doctors took me to a room. The final tally of injuries was vast. If I made it through the next 48 hours, I wouldn't be out of the woods, but chances are I would survive. My neck was broken in two places. Both of my collar bones had been snapped so they couldn't put me in a halo. The ball of my left shoulder had been snapped off and jammed into my armpit. That shredded the brachial Plexus, the nerve cluster that runs a persons arm. My left forearm had been shattered. I broke 4 ribs, my left femur, tibia, and fibula. My pelvis was cracked. I tore my Posterior Cruciate Ligament, Anterior Cruciate Ligament, and Lateral Collateral Ligament. All that meant that my left knee was shredded. The muscles in the lower left hand side of my back had been ripped away from my spine and were no longer connected. My bowels and Bladder were bruised. I had various cuts and bruises.
Jesus, I'm so happy that you're alive!
ReplyDeleteThat day changed my life too! I am so blessed to have you in my life! It was a tough time! But you are still here and you are a amazing young woman!
ReplyDelete